So Tired

This life is exhausting. I knew what I was signing up for, but sometimes the reality can be overbearing.

Specifically during a time of war, your focus is primarily on getting your soldier home safely and what you would do if God forbid anything were to happen to them. How your life would go on? How could you look your children in the eye and tell them their father was gone? How could you continue to love a country that you sacrificed everything for and got nothing but heartache in return? I would like to believe that God has a plan, the end justifies the means, and the honor one would feel from knowing your soldier gave everything for your safety would be enough. But I can't.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying anything derogatory about my country, the military or the war. I'm just saying that I'm tired. I'm tired of not knowing when the next phone call will be. I'm tired of consoling my children when somebody says something stupid about the war, and I'm tired of being surrounded in pain.

In the last 10 years, I've seen more death than most people see in a lifetime. It's getting harder and harder to justify the life that takes so much from you.

I'm tired of feeling guilty because I'm thankful it wasn't my soldier...this time.

There are times, I can't look at other wives, knowing the amount of pain they are feeling, whether its the death of their soldier, the seperation of deployment, or the illness they are suffering alone, and feeling relieved that its not me...this time.

How screwed up of a life does one have, when the thing they are most thankful for is that it's somebody else thats suffering? Or that you feel guilty for feeling that way?

I know that at anytime, I could get that knock on the door and my life would be changed forever.

Being a soldier is tough, but try being a soldier's wife.