I Hate You Deployment Gnome

I don't think he even qualifies as a Gnome at this point. I'm more inclined to call him the kleptomaniac spawn of Satan.

My morning starts off at approximately 3:45 am. Why? I have no idea. For some odd reason, this seemed like a good time to start my day. I toss and turn for 2 1/2 hours, I finally doze off! Just in time for my alarm. So I give up.
I then rise and decide to make my kids a special breakfast. We had bacon, eggs, and biscuits (from a can, I'm not "that" thrilled to be up). I think I'll be nice and let the kids sleep for a bit longer while I put on the finishing touches. I get their toothbrushes ready, clothes out, gloves, coats the works. I then like a big dummy think my kids will be refreshed, thankful and ready to start the day.
THEY WEREN'T.

My oldest gets dressed only to realize she had a massive growth spurt in the last few days and can't get her pants above her knees. My youngest, gets up only to tell me that she was still mad at me from the day before. When I had the audacity to get her haircut for the first time. (which is a whole other blog in itself, I'll just say the ladies at SmartStyle will be scarred for life). The real challenge came from "the boy".

My only son obviously, holds a special place in my heart. Being the only boy and the middle child I will occasionally find myself feeling bad for him. Today was not one of those occasions. For some reason, it took us 35 minutes to put on our pants. We then finally make it down stairs for what I think will be breakfast. How dare I make him biscuits and bacon! I am the worst mommy ever because he wanted Lucky Charms. How could I not know this?

Not to worry because by this time, the electricity is off. And on, and off and on and off and on. I thought I was going to have a seizure from all the activity. With the electricity issues, Dora, Yo Gabba Gabba or whatever tv related nightmare the youngest needed at that time just wasn't happening. So then came the next tantrum.
But it gets much much better.

So my son, shoves 3 pieces of bacon in his mouth and decides he wants to play hide and go seek instead of getting ready for school. At this point we have approximately 5 minutes before the bus arrives. Only to realize, he's lost his socks, his shoes and his coat. I finally get him dressed after only 45 minutes. We get bundled up tightly and run to make the bus. The youngest thinks her time is better spent looking at the sky, her toes or anything other than walking to the bus. My son at this point is beyond obstinate but clammed up and my oldest just wants to make sure everybody knows Mommy's bad mood wasn't her fault. So after I've yelled, begged and bargained to get them to the bus stop on time. The bus is late! So we stand there, and stand there, and stand some more. (did I mention it was COLD, and I am a big sissy). So finally the bus comes. I think we're home free. We get to the house, the electricty was on, my youngest could get her tv fix, and I could get in the shower.

I then get in the shower, and the damn gnome cuts the electricity off again. During one shower the lights went out 3 times. Finally get out, get dressed teeth brushed. Get the youngest ready for ballet. Only to discover that the freaking gnome hid all her ballet attire except for one leotard. Which of course doesn't seem like an issue, until you try to get it on her. Apparently she too has had a growth spurt.
After 10 minutes, a lot of stretching, and crying (from me not her) its on. Its cold out, so I make her wear pants over her leotard. OMG, how could I? Such a bad mommy. "I wanna be cold", "leave me alone" and my favorite "don't you ever take me to get my hair cut again" (what this had to do with getting dressed I have no idea)was repeated constantly. So we go to fix her Ballerina Bun. But my little gnome friend refuses to relinquish the electricity. So my little princess ballerina goes to class looking like she has a mullet. But that is only apparent if you aren't looking at the big blue toothpaste smear all over her chin. So finally we get there, life is looking up and all is good. Oh, wait...there's a new Ballet teacher. Which on any other day wouldn't phase us, but today was not any other day. For the first time ever, I had to carry my child into the studio and force her to stay. Trust me she did. She stayed in one spot for over 40 minutes and glared at the door like she was trying to make it burst into flames. Kids danced around her, she remained steady. I have to give her credit for conviction at least.

So we get back home. Yeah..the little bastard finally gave me back my electricity. However, the constant off and on spazzed out my computer. Which if it was any other day may not have been such a big deal. But...it wasn't any other day. I work from home. With my computer down, I cannot work from home. So I miss a days work, I'm sure I'll hear about that one tomorrow (can't wait!)and the new phone book does not list the phone number to my internet provider. So I go knocking on my neighbors door, thank God she's got the number. Give them a call and again all is right! Oh wait, no its not. They are working on the sewage lines. So out of nowhere I hear gurgle, gurgle, gurgle BOOM. Not to worry its just my toilet trying to explode.
At this point I'm ready to have myself committed. But I soldier on.

In preparation for tonights dinner, I made a delicious pork roast. Cooked and seasoned and placed in the fridge to await this evenings dinner. I go to make dinner, and the roast is MISSING. By missing, I don't mean shoved to the back of the refrigerator, I mean missing. As in not there. No trace that there has ever been a roast in my home at anytime. If I didn't know better I'd swear the damn gnome hired Dexter to clean the crime scene after he took my roast. Four hours later, my roast is yet to be seen. We searched refrigerator, cabinets, even the bathrooms and still no roast. I had witnesses to the reality of the roast or I would have already checked myself into the nearest institution.

I swear that if I ever get my hands on the Deployment Gnome, I will make dwarf tossing* an Olympic sport.

*legal disclaimer-author of this blog does not advocate the tossing of dwarves, nor do I intend on ever catapulting a dwarf, little person or roast stealing #@$%!&
in any way. I do not harbor any grudges towards the common lawn gnome, midget, munchkin or little person. I do not believe any of the above named entities deserve in any way to be tossed.
Don't ask why I feel the need to make this obvious disclaimer, that is for another blog entirely.