What Would I Have Done Without You?

I've never been a "girlfriend" type of person. Don't get me wrong,I've had female friends over the years, but I never felt settled. I've always been the girl who felt more comfortable with the guys, in my old sweatshirt, doing guy things.
But joining Army life, you really have no choice at times but to re-evaluate who you are. Its hard to justify, being married with children and having only male friends.
People don't understand, so you try to please the masses. I will tell you its been a hard, hard road at times.

But I will say that after 15 years of military life, I've finally adjusted. Its taken lots of deployments, TDY's and field time, but maybe I've finally found people that I can relate. I've spent so much time alone, I never knew it could be any easier. I'd gotten used to being alone, depending on myself, griping only to GOD when absolutely necessary, that I had forgotten to see the others around me.
Its easy to see what you don't have, but sometimes you need to see what you do.

I can't tell you the number of women, that have been base to base with me that I've never really talked to until this deployment. One in particular, has followed us through 4 duty stations, and I never noticed. Another, that has become an extremely close friend, has been through the last 2 with me.

Its funny, my biggest fear was never really not having close friends, but not being able to be a close friend.
I've watched these women, lose loved ones, grieve for their husbands, and panic when the phone doesn't ring. I've listened to poured hearts, scared mothers and stress riddled wives. Even for me, this deployment has been rough. We've had scares and traumas that would normally push a woman to the brink, but I've made it. But it wasn't because I was stronger, better or harder than the others. It was because I had friends that listened. Other Army Wives.

I'll never forget, the day the husband of one of my close friends was injured. By injured, I mean nobody knew what lied ahead. There were hours of waiting with her by the phone. She looked at me and said, "I just don't know what I would have done without you". At the time, that statement just seemed odd to me. I hadn't done anything that I was aware. But I just said the typical, "its alright" response and went on.

Well this last few months, it finally dawned on me what she meant. Sometimes just having a person who feels your pain or who can just sit there and listen is the only thing you need. I've always been the "go to" girl when shit hits the fan. I've never felt like I had any one who understood when I needed someone.

Its taken me 15 years, but I finally feel like I am apart of something. I have women I can count on, and I don't have to be the never waivering wife this time. Maybe its ok to let your guard down once in a while.

So for the first time in my Army life, I can say "its not what you would have done without me, but what would I have done without you?"