Is This Where I Spit or Swallow?

I was truly saddened today when I realized I had missed the Wine and Beer tasting event sponsored by various Army Community business' here on post.
If I had only thought to by my tickets upfront, (one for me and 3 for my kids of course, lol just kidding really, hang up the phone!)
I could have swished Chablis and chugged Heinekin with the rest of the Army Community.

I heard they have a plethra of international beers for my liking and wines galore.
I wonder if they provide a beer funnel? Is the keg stand an additional charge?

I've always wanted to go to a fancy wine tasting, talk about the difference in white and red wines, which wine is "dry", and which goes with which Chicken or Fish? But the one thing I've never understood about wine tasting, the the swish and spit.

Maybe its just my lack of culture, my redneck upbringing or my frugal spending habits, but why spit? If you feel the need to spit the booze, you probably shouldn't buy a whole bottle. (I'm just saying)If it was any good, it would be gone.

As for the beers, they promised a variety of specialty beers. I've never understood this label either. Whats so special about it? Does one beer get you more hammered than the other beer? Does one come with a chauffer to get you home? Its all so confusing to me.

Its kind of a shame I missed it, I could have classed up the place. Once I understood the whole spit or swallow rule, and figured out how to tap the kep properly anyways. The flier said they had heavy hors 'douerves. I wonder if that means cocktail weinies or pigs in a blanket?

Volunteer-If you like it or not!

Living Army life, has a lot of "voluntary" demands. A lot of things on an Army installation are run by people who are willing to sacrifice their time and energy in an attempt to make life better for the rest of us.
THESE PEOPLE SHOULD BE COMMENDED!

Some of them get up everyday, work their long work days, deal with family crisis of their own, then put in a few more hours of unpaid, unrecognized labor. I fully believe every person living on an Army installation should do their part at some point in Army Life.

Now I'm not saying, we should walk around in candy striper uniforms and try to accommodate the biggest of assholes. But we should work together as a community.

The Army has a plethra of volunteer opportunities. From the Army Community Services to the Family Readiness Groups.
You can do everything from paperwork to dress as a clown at childrens functions.

A lot of the people you yell at on an Army Base are not paid employees. We sometimes forget this and take them for granted. Even I have at times had to remind myself of this fact.

Yes its true, we as Army wives have sacrificed enough for the Army. Its true, that Army life can leave us wanting, and its true that we aren't treated as the royalty we believe we should be. But its also true, that the little bit we do have has to be done by someone. If its not us, then who will it be?

Army life reminds me of the Little Red Hen. She asks for help planting seeds, cutting wheat and grinding it for use. Nobody wants to help. But as soon as she bakes the bread, everybody wants a slice.
You can't complain about your lot in life, if you aren't willing to help make it better. If you can't help your community, then why should your community help you?

PMS: Zoo Troop

Idea for new Reality show. PMS: Zoo Troop
PMS-Putting up with Military Shit.

What is Zoo Troop? Well Zoo Troop is made up of a handful of women, who don't "conform" to the traditional Army Wife Stereotypes.

How did Zoo Troop come about? An inadvertent joke was made on a facebook page late at night. Before you know it, we've got T Shirts, and we are each represented by a different zoo animal.

Roster:
Hotlips-This would be our fearless leader, represented by a Sexy Blue Tiger, of course.
Braveheart-The tattoo on the booty, lion. She's the one we look to when someone needs told off.
CandyBear-The purple dancing bear, never spotted without her "angry" teddybear. She's the newest of the troop.
Scrappy-The giraffe. She's the one who seems innocent enough but you just know once you piss her off, she's gonna run you down.
Sugar-The wise eagle. Named for her typically sweet demeanor, she watches as the rest of us make fools of ourselves.
and
Anna: this would be me. I'm represented by the pink grenade throwing gorilla.

So now that we have the background on Zoo Troop, here's my idea....

PMS: Zoo Troop. Its an actual reality show. We are recorded, as we do normal daily military activities. We deal with deployments, other wives, and soldiers.
Its a behind the scenes of Army life deal.

But, then again...any thing recorded could be used in a court of law. So maybe some editing is needed.

Don't Make Me Kick Your Rear D!

I've decided its time to make TV a reality. I'm not referring to a "Reality" show, just the opposite. Nothing on TV is real, it is of course, pumped up for ratings etc..Things on television always look so much better than reality.

You never see an military based show, that is even close to the truth. Since this is what the general public uses to make all decisions regarding Army life, I say its time we walk the walk.

Spouse Socials/Tea parties:
All tv shows regarding Army spouses will show these blessed events. Wives in their Sunday best pastel dresses. Sun hats and long gloves, toting a secret recipe casserole, or pie baked fresh from recipe handed down from great grandmother. They sit around at various small round tables and use the finest of manners. Never speaking out of turn.

Reality- Pizza, tequila shots and turn your head to burp at the table.
Try to make sure you aren't speaking to the spouse of the person you are speaking about, and all is well.

Military Balls/Formal Gala:
On television its a glorious, romantic event. The women are always so excited!!
Their children seen to disappear on these episodes. So this removes all childcare issues. Then the wives, spend the day at the salon. Hair fixed to perfection, nails done perfectly, they seem as if they've stepped off the cover of vogue.
Their soldier will come out of the den(perfectly) as the wife comes down the stairs. He stops in awe of his beautiful wife. Helping her down the last step, he fumbles with the corsage, always a perfect match to her brand new department store ball gown.

Reality- Its a used gown, the corsage (you had to pick up) will be pinned on to cover the big cheetos smear from your 2 yr olds byebye hug, after you spend 2 hours on the phone because your babysitter cancelled. Your soldier had to work late, so he runs in changes into his dress uniform, and doesn't notice if you are in a ball gown or sweat pants. Probably better, because then he doesn't see that when you were doing your own hair and manicure, one of your Lee Press On's got stuck in your hair.

Then of course, the FRG meeting:
Perfectly catered, every wife in the unit will arrive early to get the most pertinent upto date information regarding their soldiers. The FRG leader will ask for volunteers. Everyone there is so eager to help. Whether its the fall carnival or the bake sale, they are ready. The Rear D commander will stand up, and say something eloquent, like the "success of our men, depend upon the success of the family unit". He'll show maps, with a detailed plan and the wives will pay close attention and hang on his everyword. We'll get together and work on care packages for all the single soldiers.
ITS ALL FOR ONE AND ONE FOR ALL!

Reality- Approximately 4-5 wives per troop will attend. They will ask for volunteers, and people react like they were asked to drown a puppy.
Catering, will consist of a handful of wives, bringing in a couple bags of chips, 3 dozen cookies and a few 2 liters.
The Rear D commander, speaks and blank stares cover our faces. We've already decided if we are given a canned statement the best course of action is to drag him into the parking lot and kick his Rear D.
Although we probably shouldn't we have a tendency to resent the Rear Detachment. Not necessarily through their own fault, somebody has to stay back to run things. However, we see them and want to attack. Its the idea, that our husbands, sons, fathers are gone and they aren't. Whether, its jealousy, fear or just being pissed off in general, Rear D is gonna feel the wrath of the Army Wife.

So, since TV has such a pleasant insight to Army Life. I say we step up and make honest people out of them. I'm breaking out my sun hat, my casserole dish and my sparkling demeanor. Bring on the meetings, the ball gowns and the Sunday Tea parties.
Time to raise our pinkies, and toast to ARMY LIFE!

Pvt. Spongebob Reporting For Duty!

Being a more "seasoned" wife, I often find it amusing how intelligent newer wives can be during a deployment. I will occassionally go to a military discussion board, or group page and read some of the comments posted by random spouses, mothers, and girlfriends. You can almost always tell how much experience one has by their posted comments. Those of us who have done this a few times, will normally sit back and laugh at the random insanity, and pray silently that we were never this stupid.

I'm not saying, a wife should not ask questions. This is the way one learns. I am all for asking questions, and receiving information. You should definitely be involved, and feel free to put in your opinions when needed.

However...when a wife who has experienced a deployment, 3, 4 or even 5 times makes a statement. She probably knows what she is talking about. When someone is on their
1st deployment, they probably DON'T! Granted we all make mistakes, nobody is perfect. But, before you run your mouth you should think about the person to whom you are speaking.

I've seen wives/girlfriends who are brand new to the Army, think they will put a seasoned wife "in their place". I'm gonna tell ya now, you're screwed.
I don't care, how many episodes of the Unit or Army wives you've watched. You don't know what you are talking about.

We've not only seen the show, we are season ticket holders! Some of us have done this upto and beyond 20 years. We have had soldiers in wars that you are too young to remember (or even hear about). FYI:Spongebob, never really went to war!

Now I applaud, new wives who can hold their own. Its a hard life to adjust to, and it can be intimidating to say the least. Just remember, its easier to learn with your ears open and your mouth shut!

Those of us who have done this, are typically more than willing to help you with any aspect of Army life. However, if you feel the need to disrespect us, we can and will take you to school!

GET A JOB!

So,todays blog we're gonna touch up on a soldier's family members and the positions they maintain.

Wife=Priority
Children=Slightly Bigger Priority
Siblings you never speak to=low priority
Parents who are too lazy to work= even lower priority

Ok, now that we have the chart memorized lets continue. When a soldier is deployed, yes he will make a slightly larger paycheck. NOT a gigantically large paycheck, but a slight increase. Now, when a person hears you get "extra" pay, they have a tendency to believe, that means WOOHOOOO! It doesn't. It only means that for a few months we -MAY- be able to make ends meet. It means that, if you add up all of the hours that soldier is putting in, and all of the stress of being repeatedly shot at, we will finally bring in enough money, to pay our normal montly bills and maybe get that Happy Meal we've been craving.

So, if you are the Mother/Father of such soldier, it is pretty stupid, selfish, and downright disrespectful for you to call the wife of your son and ask for money because your welfare check doesn't cover the cost of Marlboro's. We sacrifice, scrimp and save to pay even the smallest of expenses. So your belief that your son, whom you don't speak to unless you need something, should send you some of that "extra" money because you are unwilling to get a job is misguided.
They have these neat little places now, called Employment Offices. If you go in there, they give you a job and you can buy your own crack, cheetos, bobblehead dolls or what ever it is you desire. The perk of taking this approach, YOUR SON DOESN'T HAVE TO BE SHOT TO RECEIVE SUCH BENEFITS.

Now, we've covered the parental obligations lets talk about siblings. If you don't speak to your brother on a regular basis, or you just pretty much act like he doesn't exist, you don't get credit for his military service! Its odd, how many siblings ignore their soldier brothers/sisters while stateside. But as soon as, they get deployed to a warzone, the main topic of your conversations are your Hero Soldier Brother/Sister. How you miss them soooo much, and you live in constant fear of their life. Every time someone brings up the war, its "oh what about me and my brother". GUESS WHAT CUPCAKE, THIS WAR HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU!
What in the world, makes you think you have a right to a pity party when your brother/sister is deployed? You didn't care about them when they were here, so why do you care about them now? If something were to happen to them, who do you think would be notified? Their wife or their nearly non-existent sister? Get over yourself!

I'm not saying, a soldiers family doesn't have the right to be concerned. Of course you do. However, waiting for him to deploy to care is a little off base.
You don't deserve his "extra" money, you don't get to take credit for his duty to country, and you sure as hell don't outrank his wife and children!

How often, a soldier is taken advantage of by their own parents is shocking. I have on multiple occassions received phone calls from parents requesting my help in getting a Power of Attorney for their son, without their knowledge. I have had calls requesting help in getting access to their sons bank accounts, and even a few questions regarding how to get an allotment for themselves. Even if I had any control over these issues, I WOULD NOT HELP YOU IN THIS AREA. That is between you and your son. If he will willing to get shot so you can afford that purple hawaiian housecoat you've had your eye on, so be it.

Just A Mom?

I've been thinking back to the beginning of the war for some reason. I remember sitting in an AFTB (Army Family Team Building) class and speaking to a woman in the class. Her husband was a retired NCO, and her son had decided to follow in dad's footsteps and join the Army. Her son had recently deployed to Iraq and she like any mother was concerned. But that concern was overshadowed by her son's new wife.

It seems before he had deployed he decided to make his relationship "official". Which is something a lot of soldiers will do before they deploy. The problem however, laid within the new wife.

When a soldier is deployed we expect the wife to be upset, scared and lonely. But what we sometimes forget, is that soldier has a mother. A woman who raised him, cared for him, and ensured his safety well after his 18th birthday.
Like any mother, her concern for her son was intense. She tried to become involved with his troop and unit. She just asked to be kept in the loop. So I was shocked, when I heard "you're just his mom".

Now I'm not saying that in general a man's wife should not be a priority in his life. But for a wife, to believe she has the entitlement to tell his mother "you are just his mom", is appalling to me. I watched as this seasoned Army wife, cried silently. The shock of that statement, and the pain that it caused was overwhelming.

The FRG was not of much help for the mother, unfortunately. No one would call her, keep her updated. She must call the Leader to pry any type of information. They insisted on backing up the idea that she "was just a mom".

Back when the war initially began, communication was nearly non-existent. Sometimes a soldier would only be able to make one 5 min phone call a month. So of course, he's going to use that call for his wife and children. Which brought maternal communication at a halt.

Its hard being an Army Wife of a deployed soldier. But I know I can handle the job.
However, to watch my son, deploy is a completely different subject.
God forbid, if something were to happen to my husband, I would be crushed. But I know I could one day recover. If that same thing were to happen to my son, there is no coming back. My children are my reason for living. So for someone to say, "you're just a mom" is unacceptable.

I only hope these wives who believe they are a replacement to the original woman in his life, will one day feel the pain of that statement.

Would you like fries with that?

Ok so, I've been hearing a lot of soldiers lately saying they are done with the Army. Once they redeploy, they will ABSOLUTELY not re-enlist. There is no way, no how that they will take that oath ever again. Now this is a time of war, so it is understandable that one would feel this way. I am NOT begrudging their choice to exit this life.

However, I'm curious as to what their plan entails.

I've heard: I'm gonna get married! Well, thats fine, but what are you going to do for a paycheck?

I've heard: I miss my wife and family. This is completely understandable. But you're gonna miss them more, when they leave your jobless ass or Social Services comes in and takes them because you can't feed them.

I've heard: I can just get a regular job, other people do it. Well, thats true enough. However in todays economy, college graduates are having a hard time getting so much as a fast food job. So....what kind of a job do you believe you can get?

I've heard: my girlfriend said they'd leave if I didn't get out. This one is my absolute favorite excuse. This is the soldier who should DEFINITELY not stay in the US Army. If you are willing to quit your paying job, because your girlfriend doesn't approve then I really don't want you serving in combat next to my husband.

If all of your MAJOR life decisions hinge on the approval of either:
a stripper that was love at first sight, or a current highschool cheerleader, please do the country a favor and get out of the Army.
FYI: if she threatens to leave you over you having a job, do you really think she's gonna stick around when you don't? Good luck on that one.

Now, like I said, I am not begrudging your choice to leave this life. I am however going to point out a few things that you may have not thought of.....

1. Have a definite job/occupation lined up before you leave. Do NOT drag your wife and child, back to your parents home and expect mommy to take care of everything for you. THAT WILL NOT WORK!!!!!!

2. Healthcare-thank God we have healthcare. If you are a civilian, you are looking at anywhere upto 500 a month to cover a family. Thats from a company that will do anything they can to get out of paying your medical procedures. Thats not including Co-pays and deductibles. God forbid, something were to happen to you or a family member were to fall ill. A child with a broken arm? an ear infection? a wife with pre-term labor? a cardiac bypass perhaps? These are all on you.

3. Housing-we are alloted housing stipends. So....as a civilian that is on you as well. Right now we are on the down side of a housing crisis. So you will either take out a loan you cannot afford and be foreclosed upon, or you will live in a 2 bedroom apartment. Assuming you didn't move back in with mommy.

4. Education-Well you decided you would hold off on going to college, because the Army was the life for you. Turns out you were wrong. But GOOD NEWS, the Army will send you to school! Uh oh, you didn't re-enlist. So you don't get to go to school now unless its out of pocket. Which means....you will work more than full time, and attend classes as funds are available. Don't forget, your girlfriend still needs her face time!!

So as it stands right now, you get out, and you have no job, no home, no medical, no dental, no education and a highschool girlfriend -who will be with you forever no matter what(notice the sarcasm). Sounds like a good plan. I'm sure your life at McDonalds will be much more fulfilling then securing the country.

So you turn in your M-16 for a headset. As long as you can say "would you like fries with that", you're life will be complete!

Notthemamma Syndrome

One of the hardest parts of a deployment, is the re-deployment. When a soldier leaves, he leaves behind his wife to fulfill both roles, the mother and the father.

After a couple weeks, the wife will typically get to a point of self sufficiency in these areas. We have gone from sharing the responsiblity of the children, to doing it all ourselves. We give up breaks, hot meals and warm baths to care for our children alone. For all intensive purposes we are SINGLE MOTHERS.

Our children learn that Mom is the last line of defense. What Mom says goes. They answer to no one but Mom. After a year of this, it is more than a habit, but a way of life. So when Dad returns, it doesn't always go so well. Soldier dads who have been through this before, will typically atleast try to keep this in mind before they run their mouths. But....this is not always the case.

There are always those dads who come back into the picture, not thinking about that fact. Children will react a variety of different ways.
Some will cling, beg him not to go, some will have hostility over the last time they seen their father, was when he left them. (it sounds mean, but its true)Most however, will have a resentment towards him of another nature.

I call it Notthemamma syndrome. This is where, he tries to be a disciplinarian right away when he gets home. The problem with this, is he gave up that role (maybe temporarily)when he left. Mom is who they answer to. What right does he have to come in and say they have to clean their rooms?
This is just from the childs standpoint.

Then there's the wife. We've done it alone, we've become adept at juggling. You can't interrupt a juggler and take one her balls mid performance and expect her to be ok with it.

One of two things will happen, she will either drop all her balls, or she will re-adjust her routine, but not until she has thrown every one of those balls at your head!

I compare being the wife of a re-deployed soldier to working at a factory. Its hard, dirty and you work your ass off to get to the top. Then after 10 years, instead of giving you management position, a college kid comes in and tells you what to do.
They don't know what in the hell your job entails, but they think they can do it as well as you, and give you pointers for future job performance.

All the sudden, we go from being the top dog, who has made things work as well as possible. To having some clueless person come in, take over and critique. Like in a factory, this is where you will loose the most employees. Wives will make it through a deployment unscathed, but after a month with their soldier, you will see a large divorce increase.

If the soldier will slow down, and realize the world didn't stop just because he left, things will go a lot smoother.

One piece of advice, I can give the soldier: You don't go into a party and expect the theme to change because you are there! You dress for the party, or you get left out!

Happy Independence Day!

Today is the 4th of July! You turn on the tv and you see the guide covered in Indendence Day movies. Everything from "Born on the Fourth of July" to Rambo.

You turn on the radio and will hear "PROUD TO BE AN AMERICAN", blasting on every station.

You look outside, see Bar-B-Ques, kiddie pools and popsicles.
Kids running up and down the street throwing SNAPs at random people, giggling.

Later tonight you'll see a variety of explosions (some intentional)all over your neighborhood. It will be a wonderous sight for the first hour, then the excitement will pass, as we begin to cuss the noise that comes with the fun.

At about 11pm, you'll start to hear the sound of police, ambulance and firemen.
For some reason 4th of July has moved from "Lets celebrate our Freedom" to WATCH THIS! The emergency rooms will be crowded with burns, cuts and missing appendages.

The police will hold their random checkpoints to check for drunk drivers. The Ambulances will be running sirens on high as they make it to the first accident scene.

The fire trucks will be flying to get to that one house. The one nextdoor to the one that yelled Watch This!, as he shot a roman candle into a propane tank, a gas jug or a neighbors living room.

With our Freedom came black cats, cherry bombs and fountains. Bar-B-Qs, slushies and beer. Our ForeFathers and their powdered wigs could not have imagined signing that one piece of paper, could have brought about this type of celebration.

So to Thomas Jefferson and all the men since, I say Thank You!

Now somebody hold my beer and WATCH THIS!

Army Wife Instruction Guide

I remember when I first married into the Military. It was a scary transition from civilian life. I myself, was guilty of believing what I saw on television to be true.
So, one day in clothing sales, I came across a handbook. The Army Wife Handbook.
By the cover it seemed to be the equivalent of the bible for Army Wives. I remember thinking, I have got to have this book. This is the answer to my prayers! Uh,yeah...it wasn't.

I read the book, front to back, scanned and re-scanned for pertinent information. Only to be more terrified than I was before. Customs and courtesies, rank, housing, BAQ(H), Spouse Socials and Teas, even correct attire for a formal event. I was never going to survive!

The section on Army Housing was something of a horror novel. After reading the info on housing protocol, I slept in fear someone was going to come into my home in the middle of the night with an M-16 and white glove. My floors were mopped more than once a day, in case I was to have a surprise inspection. I was terrified to say the least.

After a few months of course, I started to ease up. Somethings, you have to experience for yourself. No handbook can give you an accurate account of Army Life.
Reading about brain surgery, doesn't make me understand the brain any better. Just like reading about Army life, doesn't make me a "proper" wife.

There have been a lot of changes in the Army since I first joined this life. I'm sure an updated handbook would read a lot differently. However, one thing remains the same. Over-complication. Books of this sort, have a tendency to lead the reader to believe Army Wives are the Vision of Perfection. We put on our Sunday best, our large brim hats and our gloves. We go to spouse socials, with our impeccable manners and raise our pinky as we support our fellow wives and re-affirm our love for Army life.
People have no clue how far off they are on this one!

To better explain an Army wife lets make a few changes.
Sunday Best= sweat pants
Fancy Hat= pony tail
Spouse social=Bar
Impeccable manners=Don't burp at the table
Pinky=middle finger
Support=talk about the ones who aren't there
and
Re-affirmation=complain they are deploying again

So needless to say, my Army Wife manual is tucked away somewhere, that it cannot wreak any more havoc on an unsuspecting wife. (7th level of Hell preferably)
Army wives are not prim and proper. We are mean and tough. Our language is bad enough to make our soldiers blush, and we are rarely perfect.
Which is something your handbook will never reveal.