Notthemamma Syndrome

One of the hardest parts of a deployment, is the re-deployment. When a soldier leaves, he leaves behind his wife to fulfill both roles, the mother and the father.

After a couple weeks, the wife will typically get to a point of self sufficiency in these areas. We have gone from sharing the responsiblity of the children, to doing it all ourselves. We give up breaks, hot meals and warm baths to care for our children alone. For all intensive purposes we are SINGLE MOTHERS.

Our children learn that Mom is the last line of defense. What Mom says goes. They answer to no one but Mom. After a year of this, it is more than a habit, but a way of life. So when Dad returns, it doesn't always go so well. Soldier dads who have been through this before, will typically atleast try to keep this in mind before they run their mouths. But....this is not always the case.

There are always those dads who come back into the picture, not thinking about that fact. Children will react a variety of different ways.
Some will cling, beg him not to go, some will have hostility over the last time they seen their father, was when he left them. (it sounds mean, but its true)Most however, will have a resentment towards him of another nature.

I call it Notthemamma syndrome. This is where, he tries to be a disciplinarian right away when he gets home. The problem with this, is he gave up that role (maybe temporarily)when he left. Mom is who they answer to. What right does he have to come in and say they have to clean their rooms?
This is just from the childs standpoint.

Then there's the wife. We've done it alone, we've become adept at juggling. You can't interrupt a juggler and take one her balls mid performance and expect her to be ok with it.

One of two things will happen, she will either drop all her balls, or she will re-adjust her routine, but not until she has thrown every one of those balls at your head!

I compare being the wife of a re-deployed soldier to working at a factory. Its hard, dirty and you work your ass off to get to the top. Then after 10 years, instead of giving you management position, a college kid comes in and tells you what to do.
They don't know what in the hell your job entails, but they think they can do it as well as you, and give you pointers for future job performance.

All the sudden, we go from being the top dog, who has made things work as well as possible. To having some clueless person come in, take over and critique. Like in a factory, this is where you will loose the most employees. Wives will make it through a deployment unscathed, but after a month with their soldier, you will see a large divorce increase.

If the soldier will slow down, and realize the world didn't stop just because he left, things will go a lot smoother.

One piece of advice, I can give the soldier: You don't go into a party and expect the theme to change because you are there! You dress for the party, or you get left out!