It's A Wrap!

It has been a long, tough year but it has come to a wrap for most of us. I wish I could say we all escaped unscathed but unfortunately thats never the case.

My husband has been home for about 3 weeks now. The others are slowly filtering in. With any luck and the grace of GOD the rest of us will have our soldiers shortly.

Being an Army wife is tough. But we have got to be tougher. I will be the first to admit, that I have my moments where I just want to cave. Deployments are hard. But what I find to be the absolutely hardest part, is when they return.

Don't get me wrong. I am not an advocate of war. I don't want our soldiers to sacrifice anything more than absolutely necessary. I would be thrilled to know that there will be no more war and we can all live in our happy huts for the rest of eternity. I'm just saying that the adjustments to them coming home can be intense.

Now to keep myself out of marital trouble for the time being, lol, I will say its gone pretty well this last few weeks. I have finally had a chance to sleep in, I got a spa day and I've even gotten breakfast in bed! So do not take anything I am about to say as anything derogatory towards my own soldier or anyones for that matter.

Living this life, one becomes all to familiar, all too quickly with the issues one will face upon re-deployment. We as wives are told we must be "strong". We must handle everything on our own and smile while doing it. (that rarely happens)
We become adept at being a superhero and perfecting the balancing act, that when our partner returns we have to learn how to balance all over again. We go from being the one and only in control. To sharing responsibilities. Whether it be with the children or paying bills its a balancing act. We have been able to come and go as we please, to having to check in before we run to the shoppette. Its a huge adjustment. So you have to give yourselves time. Lots of time. It takes about 2 months in my house before we start to feel normal. The kids need that period of adjustment to realize there is another sheriff in town. The wife needs that time to learn how to depend on the other half.

Which brings me to the soldier. The biggest problem I've seen among married soldiers in regards to their family isn't the well publicized PTSD. But its that expectation that life will be the same as they left it. They come home and quickly realize, the world kept revolving and changing while they were gone. They may have left behind a mousy, dependant wife with a toddler. But came home to a self-sufficient, strong, independent female and a nearly grown child. We aren't the same women you leave behind. We change. We grow. We adapt.

Now in regards to the soldier, we wives have also got to learn to be non-judgemental and patient. The fact is, these soldiers are coming home from a warzone. Bad things happen. Those bad things will be carried with these men/women for the rest of their lives. We have got to be able to listen and not judge. We have got to be able to accept they may not sleep as well as we'd like. They have also been changed. Some for the better, some for the worse. Its a huge adjustment for them to go from being a soldier who has to kill for survival, to a husband who has to ensure the survival of his family.

We as Army wives have only begun to be strong. Its not called the toughest job in the ARMY for nothing.

The Fate Of The Free World Depends On......ME??

Since my solder has returned he has taken on the task of getting his wife into shape. Which in general I'll say may not be such a bad idea. However...I'm thinking he may not realize what he signed up for. Being stuck in a war torn country fighting the Taliban is nothing, compared to trying to get me to follow orders.

Apparently, you aren't "allowed" to eat a candy bar when you're on the elliptical? It is counter productive to stop at McDonalds on your way home from the gym? The gym employees frown upon you leaving mayonnaise smudges on the treadmill control panel, and stomping your feet yelling NOOOOOOOOO is obnoxious. Seriously, are we living in Nazi Germany now???!

But for my own curiosity, I decided to look up the military standards for my age/sex. Just to see where I "ranked" fitness wise as compared to our men and women in uniform. I have to say I was somewhat disturbed by what I found. I realized that with the exception of pushups (which I have absolutly no ability or coordination for whatsoever), I was able to master the PT test. Now on any other chart, I would be thrilled that I could meet these standards. But this isn't any other chart. The part that I found disturbing, is if I can do it, maybe...it should be re-evaluated.

Now I'm not knocking the test or military standards in general. I'm just saying that maybe, the fate of the free world shouldn't rest upon people like me. Sure its possible that I'm just not giving myself enough credit....but its doubtful.

In the past few years, I have become for a lack of a better term, useless. I'm a big sissy. I want my sleep, I want to be left alone, and I really don't want to exercise. There are times, I need a nap just thinking about the walk to the bathroom. If the drive to the commissary weren't so much work, I'd probably just use Depends.

So I can just imagine people like me in a warzone. I would be that soldier, selling enemy secrets for cheeseburger. "hey Mr. Taliban, there are a bunch of soldiers behind that boulder now what do you have to eat?". Capturing someone like me would be easy. They'd probably do it while I was napping. They wouldn't really have to torture me for info. Just keep me up past my bedtime, I'd tell them whatever they wanted to know.

In all honesty, I don't really think that I'm lazy. Just obstinate. I have this inability to take orders. Apparently I have "authority" issues. I don't mind doing something, as long as I'm not TOLD to do it. I'm kind of like a toddler that way. Maybe if I weren't told to run and someone just dangled a snickers bar on a stick infront of the treadmill life might be easier for all.

Things Your Returning Soldier Will NOT Find Funny!

Just a few handy tips to ensure you and your soldier have the most joyous of reunions. When the soldier re-deploys his sense of humor may be a little off, so just keep in mind there are a few "trivial" things your soldier may not see as much humor in as you do.

1. When he finally calms down and falls into a deep slumber. He will not find it funny when you jump on the bed and yell INCOMING!!!!

2. When you tell him that even though he hasn't had sex in a year, you think its best not to rush into anything because we are still getting to know each other. Then you blame Rear D.

3. When you do give in and have marital relations. He will not find it funny when you tell him you are 4 weeks pregnant. He's only been home for 2.

4. When Sunday rolls around and you are leaving for his Catholic church services, he will not find it funny, when you tell him you can't go because you have recently converted to Islam to feel closer to him while he was away.

5. Another church related Faux Paus, do not tell threaten to commit Jihad while yelling AAALLLLLLALAAAAAHHHHHHHH! and standing in the church parking lot.
(the same goes for asking the priest to point you towards Mecca)

6. Do not wrap towels around your children's head and tell him he is being attacked by the "Towel"iban while he is watching football.

7. Do NOT tell your children to find another soldier to introduce to yours as "the deployment daddy".

8. He will not find it funny to serve boiled goat for dinner the first night, because you wanted to ease him back into America.

9. He will have days where being home is hard for him. If he starts to breakdown, the proper response is not SERIOUSLY DUDE, WTF IS WRONG WITH YOU? I know this sounds like a to the point question, but he won't appreciate your directness as much as you think he should.

10. Telling him you've taken any extra saved money and gotten a boob job. Then telling him you really think you can earn it back by working nights at the local strip club. (and he gets to babysit)

Things You Should Never Ask or Say to An Army Wife

With the deployment coming to an end for most of us here, tensions are extremely high amongst the Army wife community. So I thought how can I make this transition better than the last?? My ingenious idea...My own Cliff Notes version of "How Not To Piss Of An Army Wife Pending Re-Deployment".

Stupid Statement #1: You have to be strong
Now I know when someone makes this statement they will have the best of intentions. However, the road to Hell is paved with good intentions. You have to realize we have heard this statement for the past 12 months. We have heard it from everybody who would know nothing about how strong we have to be. It PISSES US OFF!

Stupid Statement #2: I just don't know how you do it
Again..the road to Hell. Of course you don't know how we do it. Its an on the job training kind of thing. Although we do appreciate the compliment, after multiple deployments its condescending.

Stupid Question #3: Do you think he has PTSD? Are you worried about him snapping and killing you in your sleep?
Umm...not until just now, but thank you for introducing another thing to concern myself with. I was worried I didn't have enough reason to cry.

Stupid Question #4: Do you think he killed anybody while he was there?
Seriously? Are you really asking me this freaking question? Were you dropped on your head as a baby or was this an accidental retardation? Of course we don't think that. We've convinced ourselves he's been on a really long trip to Wal-mart.

Stupid Statement #5: Well atleast your daily life will be easier when he comes home. I'm sure he will be a lot of help with the house and kids, and give you a break.
LMAO!!!!! Let me just say that even though we are all happy our spouses are home safe and sound, this is the biggest stressor after a deployment. Look at it like this...Baking a cake. We've dealt with all the ingredients, we've got it all under control. We start the blender. All is well. Then somebody comes and tries to "help". They help by sticking a spoon into the bowl and trying to stir while you are blending. Pretty soon the blender is broken, the spoon is all bent, and the person trying to "help" is wearing the batter of his head.

Stupid Question #6: Aren't you so happy for him to be home?
No dipshit... I've sat here for 12 months, thinking crap I bet he's gonna come back!

Stupid Question #7: Are the kids happy to have him home?
You mean are they happy that all the rules mommy has put into place will be destroyed and they can stay up all night eating M&M's while mommy contemplates running away?????no not at all

Stupid Quesiton #8: Are you planning on having another baby when he gets back?
WTF?!!! Yeah because I want to start my own militia when he retires. Isn't 3 enough? Do I really need to be part of the re-deployment baby boom cliche?

Stupid Question #9: Will he ever be deployed again?
Again...I do not have weekly sit downs with our Commander in Chief. I don't freaking know!!! Now I can only hope that Kim Jong Ill, President Ramalamadingdong or any of the others that don't like us, have recieved my letters and will agree that my husband is best for the job. (I have not really written any letters in case anyone was concerned, it was sarcasm lol)

Stupid Question #10: Won't it atleast be easier to sleep at night with him beside you?
BAWHAHAHHAHAHAAHAHAHA.....no. For the past 12 months we've had total control of the bed. This is MY bed. He should realize he has never entered into true enemy territory until he has tried to steal my blankets, spread out, talked in his sleep or eaten chips in MY bed. This will not only get him put back on a plane to Afghanistan, but could send him with a black eye and a feeling of freedom.

Now this is only a Cliff Notes version for how not to piss us off during Re-Deployments. There are many, many other ways to piss us off. As I'm sure you have noticed. But I can't divulge all our secrets at this time. I've probably said too much. I must tread carefully or I may be kicked out of the inner circle or Army wives and be denied my PMS privileges.

Getting Old Takes Courage

I got my hair cut yesterday. We were talking about getting the childrens hair cut, and the stylist asked me, if I was interested in getting my GRANDCHILD'S hair cut. WTF? After I corrected her as nice as a I could. I even left out the phrase, "you stupid little twit" I got my hair finished and headed home.

For our Anniversary my husband decided to surprise me with a much needed spa day. He thoughtfully called and scheduled a package that included a semi-deep tissue massage, a facial, a manicure, a pedicure and even a lunch! It was amazing. I was so excited. This is where I realize how old I truly am.

The spa is serene, to say the least. I enter the dressing room and get changed into my robe and foam slippers. I occasionally forget how "blessed" I am in the upper torso, but not to worry I was quickly reminded when I sat down and the "girls" decided to make an appearance by popping out of the top of my robe. That was fun. I won't even mention the attempted booty breakout. But I get tucked all in and the girl seeing my frustration brings me a wrap to put under my robe, "Just in case" lol. I'm now known as a repeat offender apparently lmao. They bring me my lunch, which was probably one of the best salads I've ever had. Odd how I make the exact same salad at home and it just doesn't work out that way. But oh well, maybe its a sign I should limit my salad intake? ;) Probably not likely but I'll rationalize as much as I can.

So then I get taken back for my massage. I just knew this would be the highlight of my day! I love a good massage. The very pleasant young lady led me back to the room she left so I could get situated. I removed the robes, and climbed onto the nicely heated table. After 3 tries I actually made it! Which of course was AWESOME. So then the massage begins. Being a deep tissue massage I expect a little extra pressure, maybe even uncomfort.So I was prepared. For the most part the massage was wonderful. But there were a couple of spots where I swear she was s former Gitmo Guard or Abu Ghraib at least. At one point I think she was just trying to see if she pushed hard enough if I'd pee my pants. She was about right. Oh and I broke my foam slipper.But overall massage A++.

So I go back to the waiting room in my one remaining slipper to await my next treatment. The Manicure and Pedicure.I wasn't really sure about this one yet but it starts off good so I stick wit it. Finally get my nails filed, and painted delightfully. So we're off to the pedicure bath. This is where my real trouble started. My height can be a bit troublesome at times. So when I attempted to climb into the pedicure area, my robe was too long,I tripped and messed up newly painted nails.

Now the pedicure chairs are amazing. I'm sure anyone who's had a pedicure knows what I'm talking about. It looks like a thrown, with a pool of warm water being jetsprayed onto your feet. While your feet are soaking, your "thrown" has an automatic back massager. So for 45 more minutes I sat there and had my feet rubbed for my pedicure and my back rubbed to keep me relaxed. Unfortunately this part must come to an end as well. So in my attempt to climb down from my thrown my robe fell into the water. Awesome right? So far I've screwed up my nails and drowned a defenseless robe. Whats even better is my water soak walk down the hall of shame to the dressing room for a new robe. I'm not sure but I think I may have "inadvertently" taken someone else's robe. I'm sure they'll say something if they put theirs on and its wet, right??

So anyway, I go back to the waiting area to a wait my facial. After a short wait, I am called back, placed on another wonderfully heated bed. We go over any skin problems and possible issues before we begin. This is where I realize I am not brave enough to grow old. Growing old takes courage.
As she's getting out mirror after mirror to examine my pores and facial "issues", telling me all about how women my age (she was about 12!lol) have to really start watching their skin care regimine because my face will loose elasticity and sag, I thought just wait you haven't even seen my boobs yet! Keep your judgments locked away until you see the age damage I keep hidden!!! So we get the facial started. She has examined me thoroughly and said now its time for just a few extractions.
I though ...extractions? Has my facial turned into a full on military operation? What exactly was being "extracted"? I was laying there picturing this girl standing on the side of the bed with a giant pair of needlenose pliers ripping things off my face. I can assure you it was nothing like that. It was more like a small knitting needle being hooked and yanked off your chin. I was anxiously awaiting the Tennesse Army Nation Guard to break in and take over the mission at any time.

At last that portion is over and its time for the exfoliation, facial massage, creams and lotions. There was a sligly sented mist that would be occassionally sent over my face and torso. I smelt a hint of cocoa in my mist. Now I'm not sure if thats what was actually in it, or if I was just hungry. That was an extreme possibility. But none the less it was great. They told me I may have a few red spots for a day or so from the facial, I can live with that. I just wish I knew they meant I would look like I had measles. But on the upside nobody bothers you when they think you're diseased!! lol

So I go and get dressed, the nail tech tells me she is ready to fix my nails that I so eloquently destroyed as I was trying to drown myself in the footbath. That was nice. I make it to the front door keys and wallet in hand. Make it all the way to the car. Get in and whats the first thing I do...pick up my keys with the newly painted hand, squeeze them together and start the ignition. Rubbing everyone of my nails against each other, the steering wheel and even my seat belt. AWESOME

If this is the stuff I have to endure to grow old, then maybe I should just give up now. I am not brave enough to get old.

I did realize something major about myself however. Here I am in this wonderful setting being pampered for a day long treatment. What am I thinking of....Don't they have an express service? Can't they do all of this at the same time? I have to make dinner. I've been gone almost 3hours will my house be there when I get back. Maybe I should ask for a break just to check in. I hope they're wearing coats if they went' outside. I hope they had decent snacks, not just a bag of m&m's and a bottle of Mt. Dew.

Everytime they'd get a kink worked out another would pop up. I am a total lost cause. But I wouldn't have given up today for nothing. Maybe if I just keep practicing I can get it right. I may have to do this a couple times a month just for scientific reasons of course.

Almost There!

As I finally wrap up, what has been a very long deployment, I start to make plans for the return of the spousal unit.

I make grocery lists, cleaning lists and even list of all my lists. Its kind of sad really. As I'm looking at all my lists, I'm thinking how am I ever going to get all this finished in time. So I do what all overworked, stressed out Army wife does...
I say screw it, throw the lists away and turn on Young and the Restless.

I've come to the conclusion, that maybe I've previously set the bar too high. My husband comes home from a long deployment, where the amenities are non-existent, sleeping in close quarters with other grown men, who are all waiting for the next shipment of Arid Extra Dry. Is he really going to look at my basket of unfolded laundry, casserole, and offer of (possibly free) sex and go back to Afghanistan?

After all the time and deployments, we all react the same way to their coming home.
House must be spotless. Hair, nails and make up done. Favorite foods waiting for their approval. The new outfit to accentuate all the hard work we put in trying to lose that extra 10 lbs before they return. Yeah...not this time.

I think this time I may show up in my pajama's, ponytail and holding a candybar. I'm sure the local news would love to see the Army wife in her natural habitat. Granted, I can't guarantee my husband would act like he knew me, but the fact is...I'm tired. I've often thought when he gets off the plane, I should hand over the 3 kids, tell him there are chicken nuggets in the freezer and run like John Walsh is hot on my trail.

Now somebody reading this is going to say to themselves...OMG this is horrible. I would never say that about my family. To you I will say, you must not be an Army wife. So you don't get a vote.

Now in the interest of my obvious desire to follow the rules and regulations of Army life. I will follow all rules set forth upon their arrival. When we arrive at the rendezvous point...I will not bring alcohol, fire arms/weapons, or balloons. Which quite honestly ruins my plans of drunkenly shooting at balloon animals to pass the time but hey, rules are rules! (and I am all about rules!).

(no balloon animals were harmed in the posting of this blog)

The content of this blog is to be taken in a joking manner. Anyone feeling threatened by the posting of this blog should accept my apologies now for this and all future blogs in which I'm sure you will be greatly offended. Please, let me know if you are offended in anyway. I'll see if I have extra balloons to ease the pain. I hear balloons are of a great comfort for insecurity and anal retention.

2011 Finally!

To say that 2010 was a bad year, is an understatement. I can't say as I'm sad to see it go. I was really hoping to wake up this morning and feel a sense of ease knowing that year is over...I'm still waiting.

So lets re-cap this past year....

Husband deploys...again. This time to Afghanistan. Not quite sure what to expect, except that its not good.

Racoon takes up residence in my garage.

House floods...repeatedly

Most of town underwater...woohooo!

Father in-law in hospice care from stroke.

Mother and father medical problems.

Friends husband in IED explosion, although thank God he survived!!!

Massive amounts of Army wide issues. Causing mass hysteria throughout post, and resulting in changing my home number so I didn't have to hear about it anymore!

Death of several known soldiers by various reasons. (out of respect will not give more details than this)

From my immediate group of friends, army wives etc..several tragedies regarding everything from sick relatives to own personal tragedies.

Notified by the court system, (that although they may have found it funny)...I am not allowed to tell people via facebook how stupid I believe them to be and pogo stick violence is never the right answer ;)

Crazy person shooting of small caliber weapon in my back yard.

After more than 4 misdiagnosis, my medical problems may have been determined...YEAH!

Bad news, determination of medical problems...not so good.

Baseball size tumor...fixable?

Due to Military version of Univeral Healthcare...unable to fix. (at this time)

The real kicker...my car radio went out. I can handle, pain, deaths, poverty, court battles and crazy people, but I need my music.

The worst possible thing....All my favorite tv shows have been cancelled! 24 is no more. No more Jack Bauer. No more As the World Turns, no more Medium, no Ghost Whisperer and I'm just too distraught to talk about the other great TV losses.

So here is to 2011! May you not piss me off as much as 2010. Salute!