Things You Should Never Ask or Say to An Army Wife

With the deployment coming to an end for most of us here, tensions are extremely high amongst the Army wife community. So I thought how can I make this transition better than the last?? My ingenious idea...My own Cliff Notes version of "How Not To Piss Of An Army Wife Pending Re-Deployment".

Stupid Statement #1: You have to be strong
Now I know when someone makes this statement they will have the best of intentions. However, the road to Hell is paved with good intentions. You have to realize we have heard this statement for the past 12 months. We have heard it from everybody who would know nothing about how strong we have to be. It PISSES US OFF!

Stupid Statement #2: I just don't know how you do it
Again..the road to Hell. Of course you don't know how we do it. Its an on the job training kind of thing. Although we do appreciate the compliment, after multiple deployments its condescending.

Stupid Question #3: Do you think he has PTSD? Are you worried about him snapping and killing you in your sleep?
Umm...not until just now, but thank you for introducing another thing to concern myself with. I was worried I didn't have enough reason to cry.

Stupid Question #4: Do you think he killed anybody while he was there?
Seriously? Are you really asking me this freaking question? Were you dropped on your head as a baby or was this an accidental retardation? Of course we don't think that. We've convinced ourselves he's been on a really long trip to Wal-mart.

Stupid Statement #5: Well atleast your daily life will be easier when he comes home. I'm sure he will be a lot of help with the house and kids, and give you a break.
LMAO!!!!! Let me just say that even though we are all happy our spouses are home safe and sound, this is the biggest stressor after a deployment. Look at it like this...Baking a cake. We've dealt with all the ingredients, we've got it all under control. We start the blender. All is well. Then somebody comes and tries to "help". They help by sticking a spoon into the bowl and trying to stir while you are blending. Pretty soon the blender is broken, the spoon is all bent, and the person trying to "help" is wearing the batter of his head.

Stupid Question #6: Aren't you so happy for him to be home?
No dipshit... I've sat here for 12 months, thinking crap I bet he's gonna come back!

Stupid Question #7: Are the kids happy to have him home?
You mean are they happy that all the rules mommy has put into place will be destroyed and they can stay up all night eating M&M's while mommy contemplates running away?????no not at all

Stupid Quesiton #8: Are you planning on having another baby when he gets back?
WTF?!!! Yeah because I want to start my own militia when he retires. Isn't 3 enough? Do I really need to be part of the re-deployment baby boom cliche?

Stupid Question #9: Will he ever be deployed again?
Again...I do not have weekly sit downs with our Commander in Chief. I don't freaking know!!! Now I can only hope that Kim Jong Ill, President Ramalamadingdong or any of the others that don't like us, have recieved my letters and will agree that my husband is best for the job. (I have not really written any letters in case anyone was concerned, it was sarcasm lol)

Stupid Question #10: Won't it atleast be easier to sleep at night with him beside you?
BAWHAHAHHAHAHAAHAHAHA.....no. For the past 12 months we've had total control of the bed. This is MY bed. He should realize he has never entered into true enemy territory until he has tried to steal my blankets, spread out, talked in his sleep or eaten chips in MY bed. This will not only get him put back on a plane to Afghanistan, but could send him with a black eye and a feeling of freedom.

Now this is only a Cliff Notes version for how not to piss us off during Re-Deployments. There are many, many other ways to piss us off. As I'm sure you have noticed. But I can't divulge all our secrets at this time. I've probably said too much. I must tread carefully or I may be kicked out of the inner circle or Army wives and be denied my PMS privileges.